BlabberMouse

A Good Old-Fashioned Stoning

Oh, Sharon Stone.

You crazy old bat. What were you thinking? You were at Cannes. On the Red Carpet. You should have been talking about your gown. Or your abs. Or how it seems like just yesterday you were "accidentally" exposing your lady bits to an unsuspecting nation of moviegoers.

There was no need to drag China into it.
 
In case you missed it, Stone reportedly said:

"I'm not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don't think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you're not nice that the bad things happen to you?

The Chinese media went nuts, of course. And I suppose their outrage is justified. But then there's a tiny part of me that's thinking, this is a woman who defines karma as "When You're Not Nice That the Bad Things Happen To You." That’s how my four-year-old would define Karma. So it's hard not to laugh when the Chinese declare Sharon Stone “a public enemy of all mankind" and rip down all her fashion posters.

Stone has since apologized profusely for her insensitive remarks, offering to "help with earthquake cleanup or, you know, help distribute free chopsticks or whatever."

I'm kidding. She didn't say that.

Foreign Ministry spokesman Qin Gang took note of Stone's apology, saying "We hope that as an actress she should contribute to our two peoples' mutual trust, understanding and friendship."

But that's exactly the problem, Mr. Gang! As an actress she really shouldn't be doing that. She should be “being in movies.” Because that’s what actresses do. Or at least that’s what they used to do before they felt obligated to oil their yaps and spout their political views all over the place.

I know, I know. There are lots of actors and actresses who have done plenty of good for the world. For better or worse, we give these men and women a platform, and some do make a very positive impact. But sometimes I still want to bitch-slap George Clooney, United Nations Messenger of Peace, and say “Dude, you played a handyman on the Facts of Life.”

I’m conflicted, I guess you could say.

What’s your take? Should celebrities serve double duty as social and political activists or would you rather they just stick with their more ... basic instincts?

15 Minutes of Fear

I am so weary of CNN.

Have they taken the fear mongering to a whole new level, or is it just me? I watched for 15 minutes this morning. Just 15 measly minutes while I was putting on my makeup and drying my hair, and now look at all the new things I have to worry about.

Lead Paint
And I’m not talking about the lead paint that’s all over the toys my kids like to eat (that fear is so “yesterday morning”); now they’ve discovered lead paint in Christmas wreaths! And you know how much I like to gnaw on my Christmas wreath! Nothing gives me more pleasure than standing on my front porch, face in wreath, sucking on those little plastic holly berries and petting its plush evergreen needles. (And then licking my hands afterwards). I must be riddled with toxins by now. It’s a wonder I can wash myself.

Taser Guns
How easy is it to get tazed by the police these days? So easy! Betty Crocker easy. All you have to do is disagree with a senator or act a little mental and disoriented after getting off a plane (both of which I am overly capable of doing) and ZAP! CNN started the segment by saying “We have to warn you that this next clip is somewhat graphic …” Somewhat? And now, from the people who brought you “TOXIC WREATHS!”, a “somewhat graphic” holiday clip about a mentally ill man who is repeatedly zapped with 50,000 volts of electricity until … he dies. After the clip, they cut to a member of the police force, and he says, “Well, keep in mind, you’re just seeing one point of view in that video.” Okay. But it’s the point of view of a camera, which videotaped you killing a man.

Is Your Neighbor Taking Money From You? (Learn More After the Commercial Break!)
Oh my god! Maybe he is! I mean he is gay, after all. (And you know how them gays like to do.) Of course, after the commercial break, we discover that this is not a story about my neighbor stealing from me. At least not in the traditional sense. It’s another story about the housing market. Wait. Did I just say "housing market?" I’m sorry! I meant to say “Foreclosure Crisis”, which CNN’s Finance Editor Geri Willis tells me is my crisis—even if I have a fixed rate mortgage and I’m able to comfortably make my payments. Why is it my crisis? Because of my neighbor of course. (Damn you, Gary!) Even if I keep my house, he might not be able to afford his house, and the bank might foreclose on him, which would decrease the value of my house, and then … there goes the neighborhood! Ramen Noodles for everyone! For more detailed and prolonged hysteria, tune in to Geri Willis’s Open House, Saturday mornings at nine-thirty!

The Oil Companies. What Are They Doing With All Those Profits?
Kiran Chetry (who is really just Soledad O’Brien rewound ten years) was asking John Hofmeister, president of Shell Oil, that very question. Hofmeister is on a “50-city Tour” taking “Tough Questions” from the American public. I love when companies proactively parade their senior executives before the American public in an attempt to prove that they are kind, accessible people who have nothing to hide. I can just hear his PR handler coaching him prior to the CNN interview. Okay John. Here’s how we’re going to play this, right? If you get a little nervous, don’t try to imagine Kiran in her underpants like you did when she was Soledad. What’s that? Well it may have made you feel tranquil, but it made you look like a pervert. Now, listen up. This time, think Teddy Bear, all right? You’re like the Winnie the Pooh of Petrol. Except instead of being all stuffed with fluffies, you’re all stuffed with MONEY! Ha! Sorry. I was joking about that last bit. Okay, so, pretend I’m Kiran, and I’m reading you a question submitted by Lucinda-Mae Johnson in Bumfuckles, Iowa … wait, now, see right there? That thing you just did with your mouth? That’s what we call a smirk, John. Pooh does not smirk. On occasion, he might grin sheepishly at Christopher Robin, but he definitely does not smirk.

Just the fact that he’s an oil company president and he’s "on tour" is alarming to me, because it tells you how stupid the oil companies think we are. “I know! We’ll tell them it’s a Tour! And they’ll think it’s like a concert tour! Like with Bruce Springsteen, only instead of The Boss, we give them The Boss of Shell Oil Company! One minute they’ll be pissed off about gas prices, and the next you’ll have them flicking their Bics and singing Born in the USA.”

Heronneous

If you're the parent of a toddler, chances are you've suffered through at least one episode of Higgly Town Heroes. Not only are the show's characters irritating, its computer animated color palette vaguely nauseating, and its voiceover actors second rate, Higgly Town's otherwise stereotypical inhabitants have--for reasons I have yet to discern--the limbless pear shaped bodies of Russian stacking dolls.

The beginning of each episode finds the Higgly Town kids in some kind of "crisis" (Higgly Town kids are hungry for breakfast, but refrigerator is empty!) Further heightening the drama, an adult citizen of Higgly Town will search "every inch" of the (obviously) barren refrigerator "looking for something to eat."

ENTER THIS WEEK'S HIGGLY TOWN HERO:The short order cook.

Much to the relief and delight of the Higgly Town gang, the short order cook is ready for duty! He sings a song about his very important societal function--assuring the gang that if they work hard enough, they "can be a hero just like meeeee."

Way to set the bar high.

 

Once upon a time, heroes had to leap tall buildings in a single bound. They protected the defenseless from impending disaster. They were strong. They were smart. They fought evil.

Now, they pretty much fry up a side of bacon and call it a day.

 

Notice to the Men Utilizing Our Company's 4th Floor Bathroom

Please wait until the barn door has closed before you let your pony out of his stall.

Thank you.

Serious News from Iraq

I know I don't talk much about current events in this forum, but this headline from the Associated Press has left me speechless, and a bit shaken:

Saddam Hussein Likes Doritos and Cheetos, but Not Fruit Loops

Hello? Tell me more, please.
I mean, you can't just drop a controversy bomb in my lap like that without elaborating a little.

Is it because Fruit Loops cause an unappealing discoloration of the breakfast milk?
Are they too sugary for the deposed dictator's tummy tum, perhaps?

Or is it more of a texture issue?

America has a right to know.